I hope I've made the better decision, I hope I've made the better choice.

But I didn't, cos I was scared, I was afraid to fall into those kinds of situation where emptiness awaits.

I'm obsessed with Bargaining with my Decisions but this is one of those decisions that I can't risk. It's too much to bargain with and yet I'm also not sure about what I'm going to receive in return.

Let's just say I never picked the side that he wanted, I don't know. I love following my instinct and I respect that to myself because I know that myself would not going to risk anything about me.

It's either I'm incredibly smart or I'm incredibly stupid.

You decide, cos its a big toss coin for me. but anyways. For you to understand what i'm saying, here's the story.

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Last night, my friend Scarlet, called me and say that she has to go to Lakay because she told her mother that she has a shift in her work. So for me, I'm not sure because my money is already limited and cannot keep up with my daily hobbies which is drinking the whole night.

So, I told her, I'm not sure if I can go. Then she said, I don't have anyone with me right now, that makes me feel a bit bad because I can go with her, yet I'm ignoring her invitation. So I take a bath immediately, got dressed, glam up and went after her in Lakay. I arrived for like, 2:30 AM in the morning and it is really not a friendly time to still drink because you might get unsatisfied with the short period of time that is left.

Then, I knocked on the front door of Lakay, then my bouncer friend called me because he needs some help from me. He asked me if I can go through archives and look for an old conversations. I tried but I never really accomplished anything because it is hard to fiddle when you're only using a phone. Then when I look around, I saw my friend Scarlet sitting after this group of three guys with one of our mutual friend named ash and Scarlet were talking to them.

(Sorry, this would be a bit long but kinda exciting)

Then as I go there, I sit beside my friend Scarlet and started to introduce me to this group of CUTE guys. And as I sit there, I already recognize this cutest among the group which was the one in front of me, but I just act normal and continue to introduce myself.

It was funny tho, because as the conversation goes, he literally asked for my number in front of everyone and I feel so awkward about the situation that makes me giggle. Then he was like (Ouch, I was just got rejected immediately) but I recover him fast with that awkward situation by saying (I rather get yours first)

I feel happy about his reaction when I give him my phone, and after that he started saying silly things like, I want you to sit beside, that he wants me, that I'm pretty and things like that. And I'm like, "No, you're just drunk" but I'm not that too hard with people that I just met so I sit beside him.

And then, there, he started texting me. And at the next ten minutes the next thing I know is he's confessing his love for me and I was in full shock knowing that we just met for like, I don't know, thirty minutes ago. So I was just playing it normal, telling him that he's just drunk and that's why he can tell me those kind of things. 

As we continue the texting, our Vodka is also getting empty so we decided to go to another place because the place where were in, is already closing.

I don't know, I'm getting this awful feeling that making me feel horrible about doing this post but I guess I need to share it because this is the only way I know, that I can lose this feeling for him.

Then as we arrive in the next location, he organized the sitting arrangement where we suppose to seat and of course, I'm sitting beside him. And there, he started being clingy to me. I mean, I like what he was doing. I love it, not only like it. Because, what more better feelings you could ever feel if the guy next to you is being so sweet! Is there any better feelings than that? I guess none already. I mean, that is the only place where girls and gays like me wanted to be in. I never signed up for this kind of night and with this kind of situation, but the only thing I know is that, his provocation never worked for me.

I mean, he tried to kiss me, but I moved my face away. He tried to caress me so many times but I never responded. He tried to hug me yet I never hugged back. 

Until we go home, I only play safe. 

And now, I'm here, stuck at home thinking, thinking of what if.

What if I never moved my face away and rather move it closely and kiss him too.

What if when he caresses me, I responded and does the same thing.

What if as he hug me, I return the favor and hugged him also.

There's only one thing I can say right now.

" I DON'T KNOW "